tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-357622002024-03-07T03:54:34.640-05:00Tales from a Parallel UniverseDisclaimer: Objects in the blog may not be as snarky as they appear.Adamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12107116021516156157noreply@blogger.comBlogger53125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35762200.post-63173835375400292012008-11-15T16:45:00.003-05:002008-11-15T17:42:25.184-05:00Escape from a Parallel UniverseJust so that everyone knows, I did get that job in American Samoa. In fact, I've already flown a good bit of the way there. I am currently spending the weekend at my boss's (extremely nice) house in Las Vegas. In fact, you can see a picture or two of it on the <a href="http://www.joeycummings.com/jgaindex.html">website of my future immediate supervisor</a>, which also includes quite a few shots of his original trip down there in 2004. From now on, I'll be chronicling my life to and in American Samoa on my new blog, <a href="http://grandsamoanadventure.blogspot.com/">Coming of Age in Samoa</a>.<br /><br />So yeah. I'm finally out of my parents' house. Awesome. Take that, lingering self-doubt! Time for some reflection on the five months since I graduated. A few of the most memorable things that happened in the Parallel Universe were:<br /><br />- Moving home from college and only half-unpacking because I was so certain that I was going to get a job in two weeks or so and move out.<br /><br />- Applying to a lot of jobs.<br /><br />- A really sweet family cruise to Bermuda, where I took a lot of pictures that I haven't finished uploading to Facebook yet.<br /><br />- Applying to a lot of jobs that I didn't even really want.<br /><br />- Emailing my resume to my dad's friend in Juneau, Alaska who forwarded it to people he knew all over the country, one of which got back to me. This was the one in American Samoa. This was in July.<br /><br />- Applying to a lot more jobs that I didn't really want and never heard about again.<br /><br />- Applying to more jobs.<br /><br />- Restoring and sailing our old sailboat with a friend.<br /><br />- Learning that I more or less had the job in American Samoa, but not having a clue when I would be leaving.<br /><br />- Applying for more jobs that I wasn't remotely qualified for.<br /><br />- Having a birthday.<br /><br />- Working as a Production Assistant on two fairly cool shoots over the course of a month. One was in a brand-new enormous mansion, the other on a military base and involved the Secretary of Defense, Guy Who Replaced Rumsfeld.<br /><br />- Applying for a lot of jobs that, to put it briefly, I already knew I wasn't going to get.<br /><br />- Applying to more of that same type of job.<br /><br />- Finally learning exactly when I was going to American Samoa.<br /><br />- Visiting my grandmother in DC and touring the US Capitol.<br /><br />- Watching an election with a really sweet outcome.<br /><br />- Oh, and once I saw a blimp.<br /><br />- A big one.<br /><br /><br />Out of all the job search-related things that I did, there were a few moments that stick out in my mind:<br /><br />- A small production company in Boston that didn't seem to know what state they were in, seeing as they posted all of their jobs on the pages for almost every state on the East Coast.<br /><br />- The same company asking for a PA (basically a go-fer that brings everyone coffee) with at least 3 years' worth of experience working for major cable networks. You know, because people spend that long working in the big leagues and then want to fetch coffee for a small company.<br /><br />- The automatic email reply that I received after applying to any position with Disney. Despite being only about two sentences long, it managed to cram in at least four grammar/spelling mistakes. Mistakes bad enough for ME to notice. ("Applicants <span style="font-weight: bold;">whose</span> resumes are best suited for the interests of our <span style="font-weight: bold;">C</span>ompany will be contacted.")<br /><br />- The guy on Craigslist who really desperately needed a woman to take naked pictures of him. Desperate enough to post it on every single NC city's TV/Film/Radio page, even though his posting had nothing had anything to do with any of those things. It became really creepy once it became the only posting in the Greensboro area for almost a week, as it was the only thing I saw whenever I checked the page.<br /><br />-The posting that must have been written by my ex-girlfriend or something. "Looking for a qualified Female editor to edit a film. Must be experienced with Final Cut or Avid editing systems, but Avid preferred. (What happened to Avid anyway? <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">Oh that's right Greed!</span>)"<br /><br />Yeah. Glad to be done with that. Well, next stop, <a href="http://grandsamoanadventure.blogspot.com/">American Samoa</a>!Adamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12107116021516156157noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35762200.post-64021899457699732902008-10-08T21:10:00.002-04:002008-10-08T23:03:16.036-04:00Loading...100%...Please wait...<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Sooo</span>, I'm in quite a bit of an interesting<span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span><span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Schrödingery</span> </span></span></span></span>situation right now. I both do and do not have a job.<br /><br />See, I had been told by the owner of the station in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Pago</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Pago</span> a few weeks ago that, if we can work out all of the logistics, namely finding a decent apartment for me to live in (no easy task in such a third-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">worldish</span> place) and arranging for my flight down there, then I have the job. So then this is the only thing separating me from the job that I really, really want.<br /><br />This is like when you're loading updates on your computer, and the "Loading" bar makes it to 99% and abruptly stops. You are too impatient to sit there and wait for it to finish, you're too convinced that it's almost done to go off and do anything else, and you dare not touch the "cancel" button because you know that will destroy all the progress that it's made so far, and you'll just have to do it again anyhow. So you just have to sit there and wait, hoping it will finish loading, which it usually does.<br /><br />A few weeks pass, and the guy at the station tells me that they are now open to putting me in a hotel nearby until I can find a long-term place to stay if I'm up to that. So of course I'm ecstatic about that and send them an email saying I'll do it.<br /><br />This puts me at the top of the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Freakout</span> Continuum.<br /><br />The <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Freakout</span> Continuum looks something like this. Sorry, I'm too lazy to actually draw it in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Photoshop</span> or something. Here it is in ASCII:<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">(TOP)</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">"<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Yay</span>! I am going to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">Pago</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">Pago</span>!</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">(Just heard from one of them)</span><br />____________________<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">(MIDDLE)</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">I haven't heard from them in a while. Maybe I'm not going! <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">FREAKOUT</span>!</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">(Usually takes about four days of not hearing from them to get here)</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||</span><br />____________________<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">(BOTTOM)</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">You know, if it happens, it happens. It's just one of many career options, anyhow.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">(<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">Usually</span> takes about three more days to get here)</span><br /><br />This was on Thursday and is the last I have heard from either of them. Thus putting me into the center of our little continuum.<br /><br />I start freaking out for a bit, and then call the station owner (who lives in Vegas) to try and set up a date for me to head down there and to figure out my salary. I get his message machine and find out that he's out of town until next Tuesday. So at least I know why he's not answering my emails and when I can talk to him again. Drop to bottom of continuum.<br /><br />There are a number of reasons why I get so stressed about this. The biggest one is that I have some massive student loans that go into repayment in December. The second is that we've been talking about this job since July, and I still don't know when I'll be starting. The third is that my mom, either in a massive state of denial or a firm member of the I'll-believe-it-when-I-see-it crowd still does not consider me to have the job until I have signed a contract and know when I'll be leaving. Then there are other things, like "What if they've read the previous post on this blog and misinterpret it to think that I'm a slacker?" "What if they read this one and think that I'm a perpetual nervous wreck?"<br /><br />So anyway, I was waiting on a solution to the housing situation to come up. Now that's been taken care of. I no longer know what the hell I'm waiting on, other than for the future boss to come back from his trip, but I'm <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">definitely</span> waiting.<br /><br /><span style="font-family: courier new;font-size:100%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;">LOADING...100%</span><span style="font-weight: bold;">...PLEASE WAIT</span></span><span style="font-family: courier new;">...</span><br /><br />I should also note that, unlike in our "loading" scenario, I have been applying for other jobs, but have yet to hear back from any of them.<br /><br />We shall see where this takes us...<br /><br />Oh yes, and should I actually be sure that I get the job, I have plans for a cartoon short on the subject of American Samoa. That's right, I know how to animate!<br /><span style="font-size:100%;"><span><span></span></span></span>Adamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12107116021516156157noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35762200.post-14564739750100174812008-09-09T22:05:00.005-04:002008-09-10T01:01:04.443-04:00So yeahhh...<span style="font-size:100%;">So yeah, that mysterious place...a few days after my previous post, two things occurred to me:<br /><br />1. This blog has one regular reader.<br /><br />2. He already knows where I may be headed, thanks to my Facebook status.<br /><br />So, in case that one reader (A Mr. Scurra of the UK) has forgotten, the mysterious place that I could quite possibly be headed to is...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:180%;">the AMERICAN SAMOA!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Yes, I know what you're thinking, "Where the hell is that?" The </span><a style="font-family: times new roman;" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_samoa">American Samoa</a><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> is a magical, faraway place where the sun is always shining, the air smells like warm root beer, and the towels are oh-so-fluffy! Actually, that's Albuquerque. The American Samoa is actually a magical, faraway place where it's either skin-canceringly sunny or raining for days on end, the air probably smells like dried squid, and the towels are not that fluffy, but still the most useful tool in the Universe. I still really, really want to go.</span><br /><br />Also, by "faraway place," I do mean a<span style="font-weight: bold;"> fara</span>way place. Far as in a 31-hour plane ride. Far as in being 7 time zones away. Far as in being about halfway between Hawaii and New Zeland, but a little bit closer to the latter. It's mostly one island, but there are several other smaller populated islands that no one cares about. The Territory has a population of about 60,000, roughly equivalent to that of such metropolitan hubs as Bismark, North Dakota and the lunar surface.<br /><br />And really, it's perfect for me, as someone who just finished college. The AmSam, as I suddenly feel the urge to call it, is a place that is "in college." The American Samoa is an "Unorganized and Unincorporated US Territory," something that really shouldn't exist anymore. You might think that it remains unorganized because no one cares about it, and you would be thinking correctly. The federal government last attempted to pass an Organic Act for it right after WWII, but it was defeated by the local chiefs, who don't like bug-ridden hippie food.<br /><br />But this is why it's a nation that's in college: It's independent of its parent nation without really being independent of its parent nation. Sort of like a college student who gets to live independently without having to pay any of the bills. It gets it's own <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_Samoa_at_the_2008_Summer_Olympics">stunning Olympic team</a>, but it doesn't have to worry about defending itself militarily. It gets all kinds of government jobs and subsidies, but it's residents don't have to pay Federal income tax (woot!). </span><span style="font-size:100%;">It's not quite independent like the Philippines, a real state like Hawaii, but the federal government isn't making it clean it's room, either. And unlike it's lame brother Pureto Rico, he's a total slacker and proud of it. </span><span style="font-size:100%;">PR went to Carribean State, so he could be close to his mommy and daddy. AS went to South Pacific University so it could party all night and skip class.</span><span style="font-size:100%;"> PR is a self-governeing Commonwealth, which pretty much means that it has the same status as the AmSam, but cared enough to make it official. This pretty well explains why the government won't let the residents of the AS borrow the car on weekends, or vote in Presidental elections. AS just laughs this off while getting drunk with Guam.<br /><br />(I may one day explain this seriously, and include things like how the tribal chiefs kept it unorganized because they didn't want to lose power in a more democratic government, but not now)<br /><br />As for the territory's history, no one really knows. Seriously, they've found stone structures on the main island that are thousands of years old that not even the natives knew were there until the mid-20th century. Every different version of the AmSam history that I've read tells it rather differently, but I'm beginning to get a vague picture of how it went down. According to this <a href="http://ashpo.org/history.htm">site with pictures of topless women on it</a>, quote:<br /><br />"(Lots of boring stuff about pottery)<br /><br />(Some fairly intersting stuff about anicent warfare)<br /><br />"</span><span style=";font-family:arial;font-size:100%;" >The first recorded European contact occurred in 1722, when Dutch navigator Jacob Roggeveen sighted several of the islands. He was followed by French explorers Louis-Antoine de Bougainville in 1768 and Jean-FranÁois de La PÈrouse in 1787. A monument in Aasu, Massacre Bay, to the 12 members of La PÈrouse's crew who were killed there, is on the National Register."<br /><br /></span><span style="font-size:100%;">Gosh, I wonder how those French guys died and why? It never really said...<br /><br />From there, the best I've been able to understand is that the US needed a coaling station in the late 1890s, so we took over the entire island without asking permission. Germany, meanwhile, totally wanted the island for itself. Everyone was preparing to go to war over this tiny group of islands with plenty of strategic importance for someone fearing an invasion by Tahiti, sending ships, loading ammo, hunkering down, and then...<br /><br />...a large hurrcane came through and wiped everything out. The two nations called it a draw and split the islands, with Germany getting what is now the independent nation of Samoa and the US taking what it still owns today. It was used as a military base through World War II, up until 1951, when they realized that Tahiti wasn't invading after all. The federal government promptly forgot about it and hasn't noticed all the money that has been going there ever since. Well, they had a pretty cool Dept. of Interior-appointed governor in the 60s who erected the TV first tower as a tool for teaching lots of students at once, thus making it possible for me to work at a TV station there. They switched to a <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Politics_of_American_Samoa">sorta democratically-elected but also tribal political system</a> in the late 70s. This is a form of government known as a <a href="http://chasingmylife.blogspot.com/2008/09/corruption-junction-whats-your-function.html">Corruptocracy</a>.<br /><br />Well, I'd like to write a lot more about why I want to move there, the station where I would be working, and life on the island, but I'm tired. I've been up late watching <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TiQCJXpbKg">awesome</a> <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j50ZssEojtM">videos</a> and updating <a href="http://www.lolercoaster.com/">Lolercoaster</a> with peepee jokes, so it's time to go to bed. Perhaps another time.<br /><br />(Witty closing joke)<br /><br />-Adam</span>Adamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12107116021516156157noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35762200.post-8915329047322929912008-08-12T18:07:00.004-04:002008-08-12T21:53:58.664-04:00...Aaand we're back!That's right kids, I've decided to restart my blog! Or at least write in it until I get bored with it again.<br /><br />See, the purpose of this blog was to give me a place to post random funny pictures, videos, and whatnot, but that has been replaced by <a href="http://lolercoaster.com/">LOLercoaster.com</a>, which has pairs upon pairs of readers looking at my postings. (Don't worry, it will be getting a redesign soon). But suddenly, I've wanted to start writing stuff again, and finally got around to it.<br /><br />So I've graduated college, and now I'm living at home with my parents while I search for a job. Abruptly losing my semi-independence has been about as fun as a root canal, being forced to listen to hours of country music, or worse yet, a marathon of those <a href="http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=17910688840&ref=ts">Mr. Opportunity commercials</a>.<br /><br />I'm kind of in a weird spot right now. I'm no longer in college, yet not quite out in the real world. It's like I'm in some strange part of my life that no one ever really thinks about. Thus the blog has been retitled "Tales from a Parallel Universe." More importantly, because I think parallel universes are a really cool concept.<br /><br />I guess it's not all bad. I'm not working, although I'd like to be (I may have a temp job coming up soon). I've really taken a liking to <a href="http://www.oddtodd.com/index2.html">Odd Todd cartoons</a>, as they pretty closely mirror my life (except that guy doesn't live with his parents...yet).<br /><br />More importantly, I have a job interview coming up next month. Let's just say they're serious enough about hiring me that they've started talking about where I would be living should I get that job. And let's also say, that it's in a very, very interesting location. A place where they do not have Food Lions, Krispy Kremes, Apple Stores, or even Walmarts.<br /><br />In fact, this place has even escaped the grasp of <span style="font-style: italic;">Starbucks!</span><br /><br />But I'm just going to leave you in suspense on where it is. In TV, it's how we get you to come back next time.Adamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12107116021516156157noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35762200.post-38656790369273310302008-02-24T14:02:00.004-05:002008-02-24T16:58:14.969-05:00LOLercoaster!!!!!I!!!!XI!!!!!!!So what have I been up to lately, you may ask? The answer, of course, is running marathons, writing and directing Oscar-winning films under pen names, curing previously unstoppable diseases (such as ice cream headaches), developing telekinesis, and throwing legendary parties that featured the most powerful drink in the Universe.<br /><br />And, best of all, I am now a contributor to <a href="http://lolercoaster.com/">LOLercoaster.com</a> a job which may actually pay some day if the site ever get more than a few dozen hits a day.<br /><br />Oh, and at least <a href="http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Bartending/Cocktails/Pan_Galactic_Gargle_Blaster">one of the other above things</a> is true.<br /><br />And finally, here's a <a href="http://www.angryalien.com/">special link for a Bunnday afternoon</a>.Adamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12107116021516156157noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35762200.post-14628017117709353642008-02-05T21:35:00.000-05:002008-02-05T23:01:35.566-05:00Super Fat Tuesday!Well kids, as you may know I'm a Broadcast Communications major and a Poli Sci minor. Therefore I plan on spending the entire night in front of the TV watching MSNBC.<br /><br />Before you ask, no, my home state of North Carolina is not voting tonight. Someone decided that our primaries should be in May. That way we'll already know who the nominees will be, and we can cooly say that we voted for the candidates who got the nominations, and that we always vote for the winner.<br /><br />But Comedy Central has some great coverage on their <a href="http://www.indecision2008.com/blog.jhtml">up-to-the-half-hour blog</a>. Which is highly useful, since you're probably reading this on Friday afternoon. They are pretty much telling me exactly what the TV is:<br /><br />"Obama, Clinton, McCain, Romney and Huckabee are all winning places and losing other places.<br /><br />Meanwhile, CNN is trying to find out if they can make it to 9pm by just saying the word "percent" over and over and over and over and over again."<br /><br />Their description of CNN's music made me flip the channel to watch them. Someone made me watch for a while longer by saying that Huckabee "doesn't believe in evolution, gravity, or photosynthesis." But then they blew it by saying that John Kerry was the 2004 Republican nominee.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5Rr8H8c2W_EY2qIoAW6Ze44QY1MaqOaLdMrjX5HRHRNB3NLlHXPMJCw_KXKgir1E4kHRzkM-qI8BzqRuzmqVZmoSCo0yms9_nvxi1Nd1pZYlsha9trG21QoZYOarVQnn4Mi27AA/s1600-h/fail+cat.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5Rr8H8c2W_EY2qIoAW6Ze44QY1MaqOaLdMrjX5HRHRNB3NLlHXPMJCw_KXKgir1E4kHRzkM-qI8BzqRuzmqVZmoSCo0yms9_nvxi1Nd1pZYlsha9trG21QoZYOarVQnn4Mi27AA/s400/fail+cat.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5163698184890074050" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />So now I'm switching back to MSNBC, which give me really essential information, like how there are 2 hours, 28 minutes and 12 seconds until the polls close in Alaska (Not to be confused with when we will actually know who the winner is in this essential state).<br /><br />You can get the only real-time results that a human brain can comprehend on <a href="http://maps.google.com/maps/mpl?moduleurl=http://www.google.com/mapfiles/mapplets/elections/2008/primary/primaries.xml&utm_campaign=en&utm_source=en-ha-na-us-google-mp&utm_term=decision2008">this site by Google...Maps?</a> Also useful for my sometime-next-week crowd. It includes insightful comments from people all over the world such as:<br /><div style="font-weight: bold;"><br />AnnieR<br /></div><div>A Marie Ross</div><div>in Columbia, MO</div><div style="display: inline;"> Bananas have crossed to the dark side. Time for Super Tuesday Blueberry Banana Bread.</div><div><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Reshit</span><br />in Mumbai, India</div><div style="display: inline;">"WTH is Super Tuesday ?"<br /><br /><div style="font-weight: bold;">Sikachu <span style="font-family: georgia; font-weight: normal;">(Not a Pokemon)</span><span style="font-family: times new roman;"><span style="font-family: arial;"></span></span><br /></div><div>Prem</div><div>in Bangkok, Thailand</div><div style="display: inline;"> vote "ดอกกุหลาบสีฟ้า...มาแว้ว" <br /><a target="_blank" href="http://zickr.com/social/story-9626">http://zickr.com/social/story-9626</a><br /><div style="font-weight: bold;"><a target="_new" href="http://twitter.com/knoxnews"></a><br />knoxnews<br /></div><div>Knoxville, TN</div><div style="display: inline;"> Carson wins re-election to school board.</div><br /></div><br /></div>(8 million comments telling you who won what state, in case you can't look at the bar to the left)<br /><br />I have to say that I must have looked at those comments for a good 30 minutes, and that many more of them were just inane, as opposed to comically dumb as I had hoped. Oh, the things I'll do for my readers (A Mr. Scurra of the UK). And if you're wondering the answer is yes, I should be writing some papers right now.Adamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12107116021516156157noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35762200.post-59230277254197706812008-01-18T01:04:00.000-05:002008-01-18T11:22:22.624-05:00I'll tell you what this blog needs...It needs a new post, that's what it needs!<br /><br />Oh, fine. How about an awesome clip of someone from my school freestyle drumming unbelievably well?<br /><br /><object height="355" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/5CzPsA-IQQ4&rel=1"><param name="wmode" value="transparent"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/5CzPsA-IQQ4&rel=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" height="355" width="425"></embed></object><br /><br />Yes, it was I who discovered and filmed him. Now all of my millions of readers (a Mr. Scurra of the U.K.) will make him into the next YouTube sensation. Come on now, he's certainly more talented than that "leave Brittany alone" kid.<br /><br />Eh...what else do I have around here? How about <a href="http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/online_communities.png">xkcd.com's amazingly detailed map of the Web communities</a>, which is so big that if I posted a version small enough to fit here, it would be too small to read?<br /><br />There, that should be the minimum required to get by for now.Adamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12107116021516156157noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35762200.post-69125171998890429732007-12-23T19:52:00.000-05:002007-12-23T21:09:04.776-05:00God Bless Us, Everyone!Hey kids. It's Christmas time again. Amongst all the hustle and bustle of wrapping presents, mailing cards, baking things, and generally hating everyone in the parking lot of your local mall/Wal-Mart/corner gas station (depending on the size of the town where you live), let's not forget the most important part of the season:<br /><br />The 15th anniversary of the student film debut of what would eventually become South Park!<br /><br /><object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/t4n6FpRnJf8&rel=1"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/t4n6FpRnJf8&rel=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object><br /><br />I have to say, seeing how bad the work of the now-legendary Matt Stone and Trey Parker looked at my age makes me feel good about my own videos. It's good to know that everyone starts out looking like crap, with some halfway decent writing thrown in.<br /><br />I have also heard that this time of year also something about that Jesus fellow. He must be really popular, the way that those politicians are always talking him. It's like they're trying to mooch off of his popularity or something.<br /><br />Somehow, I feel I should end this post with an appropriate picture. Ah yes, here's one of a banner announcing Elon's big lighting ceremony that they put up every year:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOlZR9hXwjuWSpIjpukk-02THGwGB970eamurIMcUwQ-xBk0bTNVtBVOxqQ9m-lG8T6P4-CIJ0ZRF-7E-Mj17YJOZh9xoSIzW2qqHChGV5S85SnAP9eYZfMz9R8pp5RjI9xmG1ww/s1600-h/Elon+lights+up.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOlZR9hXwjuWSpIjpukk-02THGwGB970eamurIMcUwQ-xBk0bTNVtBVOxqQ9m-lG8T6P4-CIJ0ZRF-7E-Mj17YJOZh9xoSIzW2qqHChGV5S85SnAP9eYZfMz9R8pp5RjI9xmG1ww/s400/Elon+lights+up.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5147354618262263602" border="0" /></a>Adamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12107116021516156157noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35762200.post-58462540894530159162007-12-08T15:46:00.000-05:002007-12-08T17:02:55.818-05:00Learnding!Hey, kids! It's that time of year again where I learn many amazing facts, thanks to classes! That's right, it's finals time, where I screw around on the Internet instead of studying!<br /><br />Thanks to my endless web browsing, in the last couple of weeks I've learned/been reminded of gems such as:<br /><br /><ul><li>Pac-man technically ends at<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pac-man#Split-screen_level"> level 256</a>, due to a glitch in the game.</li></ul><ul><li><span style="font-style: italic;">Australia's Naughtiest Home Videos</span> was actually canceled in the middle of its pilot episode when the network owner called in and told them to "get that shit off the air.</li><ul><li>"In most states, however, the last clip reported seen on the show before it got pulled was of a child reaching for a kangaroo's genitals."<br /></li></ul></ul><ul><li>There was once a sitcom called <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heil_Honey_I%27m_Home%21"><span style="font-style: italic;">Heil Honey I'm Home!</span></a> It's <span style="font-weight: bold;">exactly</span> what you think it's about.</li></ul><ul><li>From several scenes filmed entirely in Wookie-speak to segments that were just copied directly from the original movie and poorly re-dubbed, the <a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://www.i-mockery.com/minimocks/starwars-holiday/">Star Wars Holiday Special</a> is possibly the worst moment in TV history.</li><ul><li>Carrie Fisher (Princess Leia) was apparently so <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Star_Wars_Holiday_Special#Trivia">coked out</a> during the filming of the Star Wars Holiday Special that she doesn't actually remember doing it.</li></ul></ul><ul><li>People don't really <a href="http://krapohlford.dealerconnection.com/fastlane/">think</a> before <a href="http://www.ballsgrinding.co.uk/">naming</a> their companies.</li></ul><ul><li>Someone, somewhere, decided that what the world really needs is a <a href="http://inventorspot.com/articles/tampon_security_system_4222">stun gun disguised as a tampon</a>.</li></ul><ul><li>The guy behind such video game legends as Donkey Kong and the entire Mario and Zelda series is so crazy that there is only one guy who can <a href="http://blog.wired.com/games/2007/12/translating-for.html">understand what he says</a>.<br /></li></ul><ul><li>Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is a complete and utter <a href="http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22137744/">asshole </a>(Especially see paragraph 8). He is also a <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2007/12/03/technology/03facebook.html?_r=2&n=Top/News/Business/Companies/Facebook,%20Inc.&oref=slogin&oref=slogin">hypocrite</a>.</li></ul><ul><li>Fortunately, there is a way to <a href="http://www.ideashower.com/blog/block-facebook-beacon/">get rid of that damned Beacon program</a> while still being able to use Facebook.</li></ul><ul><li><a href="http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Steven_Wright">Steven Wright</a> is funny as hell.<br /></li></ul>Argh, it seems that my endless note-taking has even seeped into my blog-writing. Back to work, I suppose.Adamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12107116021516156157noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35762200.post-11591536790358828252007-12-03T15:53:00.000-05:002007-12-03T16:25:26.212-05:00Since we're already on that political tangent...So apparently Hillary Clinton is trying to discredit Obama's claim that he hasn't been plotting a run for office for decades, by bringing up essays that he wrote in <a href="http://weblogs.chicagotribune.com/news/politics/blog/2007/12/the_clinton_pot_calls_the_obam.html#more">third grade and kindergarten</a>. No, <a href="http://www.hillaryclinton.com/news/release/view/?id=4479">really</a> (scroll down to the bottom). I guess next she plans on claiming that he once accused someone of being a "doody head" and that he "didn't always share his crayons."<br /><br />Of course, all of this doesn't really matter. We all know that in the end, it only matters who <a href="http://www.newsweek.com/id/73272">Chuck Norris</a> picks for President.<br /><br />The Internet: Making political satire obsolete since 1997.<br /><br />Oh, and in keeping along with the same tangent from last time...<br /><br /><a href="http://imageshack.us"><img src="http://img89.imageshack.us/img89/5185/stalinanigh0.gif" border="0" alt="Image Hosted by ImageShack.us" /></a><br/>Adamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12107116021516156157noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35762200.post-30231669534374567152007-11-30T01:17:00.000-05:002007-11-30T02:24:52.693-05:00Let's Do Something Vaguely Political!So I went to a school debate last night between the College Republicans and the College Democrats, and I happened to notice that many students were taking notes, so I took a few notes of my own:<br /><br /><br /><u>Debate Score:</u><br />Defined as who "won" each debate. I'll admit that I completely lost track of this one, and that the Democrats should be way farther ahead.<br /><br />Republicans: 6 Democrats: 12<br /><br /><br /><u>Bullshit Tally:</u><br /><br />Republicans: 12 Democrats: 10<br /><br /><u><br />Witty Comments:</u><br /><br />Republicans: 2 Democrats: 4<br /><br /><br /><u>Unabashed Grandstanding:</u><br /><br />Republicans: 6 Democrats: 2<br /><br /><br /><u>Self-Contradicting Statements:</u><br /><br />Republicans: 2 Democrats: 1<br /><br /><br /><u>Abuse of Emotional Words:</u><br /><br />Republicans: 4 Democrats: 6<br /><br /><u><br />General Stupidity</u><br /><br />Republicans: 2 Democrats: 4 Moderators: 3<br /><br />Sorry moderators, the United States is not the richest nation in the world. Not even in the top 5, when you are looking at it <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_GDP_%28nominal%29_per_capita">per capita</a>, which is what you need to use when talking about a potential future universal healthcare system.<br /><br />LogicFallacies:<br /><br />Republicans: 2 Democrats: 4 Audience Members Asking Questions: 1<br /><u><br /></u>Seriously lady, how can you possibly think that we're dumb enough to think that it's Bush's fault that poachers in South America are causing certain animals to become nearly extinct?<br /><u><br /><br />Not Knowing Their Own Party's Position</u><br /><br />Republicans: 3 Democrats: 0<br /><br /><br /><u>Completely Losing the Audience:<br /><br /></u>Republicans: 2 Democrats: 2<br /><br />Defined as being so damn boring or confusing that everyone quit paying attention.<br /><br /><br /><u>Not Shutting the Hell Up</u><br /><br />Republicans: 3 Democrats: 3 The Exact Same Audience Member: 1<br /><br />There's one of these people at everything that allows the audience to ask questions. In Florida, they have their own <a href="http://ghosttasers.ytmnd.com/">special</a> way of <a href="http://canttazethis.ytmnd.com/">dealing</a> with them.<br /><u><br /><br />Leaving Early</u><br /><br />Republicans: 0 Democrats: 0 Students: 25<br /><br />Also, I'm proud to announce that I was instrumental in helping create the following legendary image on a Fark thread today regarding the new bin Laden tape. If you don't get it, then you just haven't spent enough time on the Internet:<br /><br /><a href="http://imageshack.us/"><img src="http://img525.imageshack.us/img525/5617/bushallyourbaseanimatedbq2.gif" alt="Image Hosted by ImageShack.us" border="0" /></a>Adamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12107116021516156157noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35762200.post-52999811024369529912007-10-29T16:33:00.000-04:002007-10-29T17:19:28.101-04:00BOOO!A quick ghost story for you-<br /><br />I bought an old trunk at an antique store years ago. I put it down in the basement, intending to clean it up and restore it. One night I went down there to start work on it. I turned on the light, and noticed this weird sort of black haze hanging over the trunk. At first, I though the furnace was acting up, but as I gazed at it, I noticed that the haze seemed to collect itself into the figure of a person. All the hair stood up on the back of my neck, but I didn't really feel threatened.<br /><br />"Are you the owner of this trunk?" I asked, feeling foolish. The figure sort of nodded at me.<br /><br />"Nobody is going to believe this, can I take a picture of you?" I said. The figure nodded again. I backed up toward my workbench and grabbed the digital camera, keeping the figure in sight all the while. I turned it on, framed the picture, and took a photo. But for some reason the flash wouldn't go off-I think the batteries were low. I kept trying, but eventually the figure just sort of faded away, and now I don't have any proof.<br /><br />The moral of this story is...<br /><br />...The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.<br /><br />That one was so scary that it must have awakened a bunch of ghosts! I can here the booing from here.<br /><br />Well, if you want something truly funny about Halloween, you can always watch <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSRaUN73Rqw">Lewis Black's bit about candy corn</a>.<br /><br />And if you want something truly creepy, read a few of the <a href="http://snopes.com/horrors/horrors.asp">Snopes.com horror stories</a>. Complete with colored bullets denoting their truthfullness and 1998ish MIDI music goodness.Adamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12107116021516156157noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35762200.post-28820234853734324572007-10-21T21:37:00.000-04:002007-10-21T22:07:05.257-04:00Gem MiningLately, my life has been consumed by a lengthy, five-part series of essays on the media in China. But the up side of that is that it led to me discovering <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbcfbvE2RME">this</a> little gem. As well as <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJQL_I9TDEw">this one</a>. And <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCAtpxHY-b8">this one</a>, although its creators would probably be executed if it were really an aired in China.<br /><br />Oh, and on a totally unrelated note, watch <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=316BF17k5d8&mode=related&search=">the current funniest thing on the Internet</a>. And the other, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FzlTzpt20I&mode=related&search=">slightly less funny version</a>.Adamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12107116021516156157noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35762200.post-44353740120248583852007-09-28T14:12:00.000-04:002007-09-28T15:48:34.067-04:00Let's Get Limericky!I like that headline. It sounds little dirty. No wait, it just reminds me of a lime ricky, which I assume is a drink or something.<br /><br />Anyway, I have always been a fan of limericks, which are clearly the highest form of poetry. I am such a big fan that I even know all about the legendary <a href="http://www.fiftiesweb.com/burma.htm">Burma Shave</a> signs that my parents have mentioned, despite my not being born yet when they removed them all in '63 (that would be 1763). These signs would be a limerick-advertisement for Burma Shave that was told one line at a time, with each line on a separate sign a few feet from the next. They would always end with a sign reading "Burma Shave." For example:<br /><br />Dinah doesn't<br />Treat him right<br />But if he'd shave<br />Dyna-mite!<br />Burma-Shave<br /><br />Listen birds<br />These signs cost money<br />You can rest awhile<br />But don't get funny<br />Burma Shave<br /><br />And of course, this all ties directly into my next topic, the <a href="http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21026362/">situation in Myanmar</a>, also known as Burma. If you were too damn lazy to click that link, Burma is currently engulfed in pro-democracy protests, which are now being violently cracked down upon by the military junta government there.<br /><br />Now that I'm done explaining the joke that I'm about to tell to the point that it can't possibly be funny...<br /><br />This, of course, ties directly into the next part of my post: Fark.com. On that site, users submit their own witty headlines for news stories. But out of the thousands that are submitted every day, only about 100 make it to the main page. A few weeks ago, when the latest demonstrations in Burma were just beginning, this little gem made it to the front page regarding Laura Bush urging the UN to help them:<br /><span class="headline"><br />Dubya's wife<br />to Ban Ki-moon<br />opens her mouth<br />and lowers the boom<br />Burma Save</span><br /><br />This was followed up a couple of weeks later, when the government crackdown began, <a href="http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink=3076750">with</a>:<br /><br /><span class="headline">Deadline passes<br />Police respond<br />With clubs and gasses<br />Burma Monks<br /><br />Next came a bunch of stories with inferior headlines, starting with when Bush called for tougher sanctions on Burma. But the comments still had some limerick goodness:<br /><br /></span>More sanctions do<br />The Burmese fear;<br />Bush even made<br />The Democrats cheer.<br /><br />We rule this land<br />With an iron fist.<br />You want to protest?<br />Name go on list.<br /><br />And my personal favorite:<br /><br />The monks are revolting<br />The students are, too<br />The government tells the troops<br />"You know what to do"<br />Burma Rave<br /><br />And yesterday, I constructed my own Burma Shave verse and linked it to the story about the US freezing all of the junta's assets in the country:<br /><br /><span class="headline">US to Myanmar: "After reviewing<br />all the facets<br />we've decded<br />to kick your assets."<br />Burma caves?<br /><br />And it was GREENLIT to the main page, spelling mistake and all. A few hours later, one of the site moderators fixed it to "decided." And everyone loved it. And Farkers usually hate everything.<br /><br />Anyway, here's a four-page collection of the some of the <a href="http://www.fiftiesweb.com/burma1.htm">original Burma-Shave limericks</a>. And here is an awesome true story about a guy who sent in 900 empty Burma Shave jars and won a free trip to <a href="http://www.snopes.com/business/market/mars.asp">Mars</a> (sorta).<br /><br /></span><span class="headline">Well, I've spent enough time blogging today. But if anyone asks, I'm going to tell them that I've been writing a high-brow entry on poetry and geopolitics.</span>Adamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12107116021516156157noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35762200.post-31450295092921252062007-09-19T11:22:00.000-04:002007-09-19T11:54:08.832-04:00Avast, Me hearties!Yarr! It be International Talk Like a Pirate Day!<br /><br />All ye landlubbers best be learnin' ye <a href="http://talklikeapirate.com/">the basics of the holiday</a>.<br /><br />Then, ye should be teachen yeself the simpilest of <a href="http://www.io.com/%7Esj/PirateTalk.html">pirate lingo</a>. Ye shall be a salty sea dog in no time!<br /><br />Perhaps now a little pirate <a href="http://www.tomsmithonline.com/freestuff/oddio/TLAPD.mp3">folk music</a>, <a href="http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=x-64CaD8GXw&mode=related&search=">punk rock</a>, or even scurvy <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_3KP7X8RQ4">hip-hop</a>?<br /><br />Finally, settle down on ye dungbe with a jug o' rum and enjoy this bonnie <a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/connected/main.jhtml;jsessionid=T3N0A2QVLIC0PQFIQMGSFFOAVCBQWIV0?xml=/connected/2007/09/15/dlweb15.xml">fleet o' pirate links</a>.<br /><br />Aye, I best be settin' sail for classes now...Adamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12107116021516156157noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35762200.post-44489055069559173642007-09-15T17:03:00.000-04:002007-09-15T19:50:21.700-04:00So anyway...As promised, I now bring you the story of that epic party that I went to last weekend. A story so compelling, so riveting, so <s>intoxicated</s> intoxicating, that it can only be told in...<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">SCREENPLAY FORMAT!</span></span><br /><br />That's the format that they write movie scripts in, for those of you who may not know. I actually took a whole class on screenwriting. Everything that follows is absolutely true, although I have cut out the boring parts. Names have been changed to protect the intoxicated. I have also put in a few notes (in parentheses) to show you a few details about screenwriting, and how details are put in subtly. If it looks long, don't worry. The spacing in screenplay format makes it look way longer than it actually is.<br /><br /><br />INT. FRIENDS' LIVING ROOM- NIGHT<br /><br />The room is dark and messy. College-age friends KEN and ADAM sit around a TV that is playing the credits from <span style="font-style: italic;">Saturday Night Live</span>. (See, the fact that SNL is ending tells us that it is around midnight!) TIM and his GIRLFRIEND relax in each others' arms in a nearby couch, also staring at the TV. Ken gets up and stretches.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">KEN<br />Well, guys, I'm off to bed.<br /><br />EVERYONE ELSE<br />Goodnight.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">The three remaining students sit together in awkward silence for a moment.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">TIM<br />I think we're going to bed soon too, Adam.<br /><br />ADAM<br />Oh, OK. Good thing I live right below you guys.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">He gets up and leaves.<br /><br />(It gets better, I swear!)<br /><br />INT. ADAM'S ROOM- NIGHT<br /><br />Adam is sitting at his computer, not writing in his blog. The room is somewhat clean. (You know what that tells us? That's right, it means that I've only been living here a short while!) Suddenly, a NOISE can be heard, getting louder every second. In a few moments, it sounds exactly like someone jumping on a mattress. He looks up at the ceiling and realizes where the noise is coming from and what it is. He shudders and walks outside.<br /><br />EXT. BREEZEWAY- NIGHT<br /><br /></div></div></div></div>Adam walks down the deserted part of the breezeway. We can now see that he is in a recently built apartment complex that still looks like it has had a giant keg of beer spilled on it. Loud MUSIC can be heard. a few PARTY GIRLS, including, JENNIFER, are dressed in costumes and in various states of drunkenness hang outside a busy apartment near the steps.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">JENNIFER<br />Hey, are you a neighbor?<br /><br />ADAM<br />Yeah. Nice party.<br /><br />JENNIFER<br />This is the girls' rugby place. Come in and have a drink! We're having a pirates and ninjas party!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">Adam looks around and sees that this is exactly what everyone is dressed as.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">ADAM<br />I'll be right back...<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">INT. PARTY APARTMENT- NIGHT<br /><br />Adam walks in wearing a pirate-themed t-shirt. The room is loud and filled with mostly good-looking women, all of whom seemed to be talking or dancing very closely and quickly in the living room. Team pictures and random multicolored cut-outs hang on the walls. Adam gets a mysterious lemonade-based drink out of a Gatorade cooler and tries it. He recoils at its strength. Realizing that he knows no one else in this party, he heads back outside. (In a real script, I would never be allowed to directly show a character's thoughts that way. But dammit, that doesn't mater here.)<br /><br />EXT. BREEZEWAY- NIGHT<br /><br />Adam steps back outside. The same group of girls is still there. Some are smoking, some are drunk dialing, and some are just talking. Jennifer spots him. (It starts getting better around here)<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">JENNIFER<br />You're wearing a <span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-style: italic;">pirate shirt! </span></span>You changed just for our party!<br /><br />ADAM<br />That's right!<br /><br />JENNIFER<br />You are <span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">awesome!<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-style: italic;"></span></span><br /></span></span><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"></span>ADAM<br />That's also right.<br /><br />JENNIFER<br />Let me introduce you to everyone. This is Sara, Liz, and Karen.<br /><br />SARA<br />Hey!<br /><br />LIZ<br />Hey.<br /><br />KAREN<br />Do you have any cigarettes?<br /><br />ADAM<br />(casually)<br />No, not after my aunt died a horrible death of lung cancer, but thanks for asking.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">KAREN looks shocked for a moment, then regroups and gives a very drunk twitch. She takes a step toward him and points toward his drink.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">KAREN<br />But can I have some of you M-80?<br /><br />ADAM<br />Sure.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">She gets even closer to him and tips a little into her mouth. They chat a little, and pretty soon she is drunkenly pecking him on the cheek at random. Adam gives a devilish grin. Karen bites him in the chest.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">ADAM<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">AAAGH!<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span>Karen gives him a look that she is drunk enough to think is sexy.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">ADAM<br />You just bit me in the man-boob!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">She giggles. A few of the other girls look on, concerned.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">KAREN<br />So, where do you live?<br /><br />ADAM<br />Uh, down that way.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">She grabs him and takes off in that direction. Liz turns toward them and holds up a cell phone.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">LIZ<br />Karen! Tyler just called for you!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">Karen stops and turns around, elated.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">KAREN<br />He did?<br /><br />LIZ<br />Yes, and he even said...<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">She leans in and whispers in her ear. Karen gets more excited. Adam walks back toward the party, a little dejected. BOB is sitting on the landing of the stairs, just above the party with a few OTHER GIRLS. Adam steps up and joins them.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">GUY<br />Dude, those girls just saved your ass.<br /><br />ADAM<br />They did?<br /><br />OTHER GIRL #1<br />Yeah, she kinda gets around.<br /><br />GUY<br />She offered to give me head for just two cigarettes!<br /><br />OTHER GIRL #2<br />Wow, that's like, way less than most hookers.<br /></div></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;">SARA<br />(Overheard from the lower breezeway)<br />Oh come on, half the team is straight!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">INT. PARTY APARTMENT- NIGHT<br /><br />Adam is sitting on a spot in the couch which, before sitting in, he felt somehow destined to occupy. He watches as several girls grind excitedly on the dance floor. Suddenly, two girls fall down on top of each other next to him, laughing. MARY, a small blond girl walks up to him, but he doesn't notice.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">ADAM<br />(to himself)<br />You know, normally I'd have to <span style="font-style: italic;">pay</span> to see something like this.<br /><br />MARY<br />What?<br /><br />ADAM<br />Nothing. What's your name?<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">They flirt and chat for a while. She offers him a refill and brings back both of their cups filled with M-80.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">EXT. BREEZEWAY- NIGHT<br /><br />Adam and Mary are talking and laughing with a group of partygoers, which includes Bob. A PARTY GIRL is leaning against the apartment, talking on her cell phone. She sees PARTY GIRL #2 and hangs up to hug her passionately.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">ADAM<br />And then she bit me on the chest!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">The two Party Girls have started making out. Everyone turns toward them.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">ADAM and BOB<br />Niiiiiice.<br /><br />SARA<br />Ugh!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">EXT. BREEZEWAY LANDING- NIGHT<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">Adam and Mary are hanging out in separate small groups, drinking. Bob is also around. Karen is sitting on the top of the wooden steps, talking on her cell phone. Adam's cell phone RINGS.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">ADAM<br />Hello? Hey Fred. I'm at the other end of the breezeway, and it's awesome.<br /><br />BOB<br />(Looking down at the lower breezeway)<br />The girls are still at it!<br /><br />ADAM<br />You know, sometimes I wonder if I went to the right college, but this has erased any doubt from my mind that I made the right choice.<br /><br />KAREN<br />My boyfriend says that sometimes.<br /><br />ADAM<br />You have a boyfriend?<br /><br />KAREN<br />Yeah, but...<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">She waves her hand dismissively. Adam turns away and rolls his eyes. HOLLY walks up to Adam, with Mary close behind, quickly whispering in her ear.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">HOLLY<br />Hey, I'm Holly. You must be pretty awesome to have changed for our party.<br /><br />ADAM<br />I'm Adam, and you would be correct in that assumption.<br /><br />HOLLY<br />Anyway, my friend Mary said that she thinks you-<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">Mary clamps her hand over Holly's mouth, embarrassed and giggling. Adam pulls it away.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">HOLLY<br />...are really cute and that she-<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">Mary clamps her hand over her mouth again, but gives up and walks off embarrassed.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">HOLLY<br /></div></div></div></div></div></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span></span>...would like to kiss you<br /><div style="text-align: left;"><br /><div style="text-align: center;">ADAM<br />Oh really?<br /><br />RANDOM GIRL #57<br />What is this, fifth grade?<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">HOLLY<br />Yeah, Mary told me that, but said not to tell you. But you seemed pretty awesome, so I thought I should. I'm a lesbian myself, but she's not.<br /><br />BOB<br /><div style="text-align: left;"><div style="text-align: center;">They're <span style="font-style: italic;">STILL AT IT!<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"></span></span><div style="text-align: left;">Adam's roommate FRED arrives and sees the girls kissing. There are now three of them.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><br />FRED<br />Niiiiice.<br /></div></div><span style="font-style: italic;"></span><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;"></span></span></span></div><span style="font-style: italic;"></span></div><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;"></span></span><br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: left;">INT. PARTY APARTMENT- NIGHT<br /><br />The party has calmed down a little, but a few girls are still dancing, including Karen. Mary is sitting down on the couch. Adam comes in and sits next to her.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">ADAM<br />So, I was talking to your friend outside. Is it true what she said?<br /><br />MARY<br />I...don't know.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">Karen suddenly jumps into Adam's lap and tries to kiss him sloppily. Mary turns her head away and laughs. Another girl takes a picture of him looking very surprised, mostly for embarrassing Karen with later. Karen jumps to her feet and pulls Adam up with him. They dance for a second. Then she awkwardly tries to put a leg on him, trying to be sexy but almost kneeing him in the balls.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">KAREN<br /><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">ARE WE GONNA FUCK OR NOT!?<br /><br /></span></span>ADAM<br />(briefly glancing back toward Mary)<br />No! You're too drunk.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">Karen tries to shove him but almost knocks herself over instead. Mary chuckles again.<br /><br />INT. PARTY APARTMENT- NIGHT<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">The couch is now folded out into a bed, with Adam sitting on the end with his arm around Mary, who is next to him. They are talking excitedly. A few girls lie down on the bed behind them. Adam's phone RINGS.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">ADAM<br />(on the phone)<br />Hello? Um, check in that box above my bed. You can have them, it's not like I've been using them.<br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;">MARY<br />What was that?<br /><br />ADAM<br />Um, I think my roommate may be hooking up with Karen.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">Two of the girls of the bed behind them jump on one another, but keep their clothes on.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">MARY<br />Uh, I think we should go outside.<br /><br />ADAM<br />Are you sure?<br /><br />MARY<br />YES!<br /><div style="text-align: left;">_____________________________________________<br /><br />So I learned a very important lesson here today. NEVER BLOG IN SCREENPLAY FORMAT, IT TAKES WAY TOO LONG! Plus you have to put lots of random WORDS in capital letters and there's<br /><div style="text-align: center;">LOTS OF<br />Unnecessary formatting.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">Anyway, from this point, it gets much easier to just tell what happens as an epilogue.<br /><br />"Fred" really did hook up with "Karen." He deeply regretted it the next morning.<br /><br />"Mary" and I enjoyed the rest of the party together, before she got too drunk to stand and was carried to the car by her teammates. M-80 is a hell of a drink.<br /><br />She left a shoe outside the apartment building, which I picked up later. I thought this was oddly Cinderella-esque. But then I brought it to her apartment the next day, and it turned out that she had actually borrowed it from her roommate.<br /><br />It also turned out that she is the same kind of drunk that I am, and managed to remember everything. I have since gotten her number and am currently sweating out that two-or three-day waiting period that most dating experts (older friends) recommend before calling.<br /><br />I have also noticed a mysterious yellow spot on my chest, around the same spot where that girl bit me. I'm slightly wondering if "Fred" has a big yellow patch...well, you know where. But I'm afraid to ask.<br /></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div>Adamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12107116021516156157noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35762200.post-45787453820511432212007-09-13T23:11:00.000-04:002007-09-13T23:46:12.632-04:00Epic Night.Hey, it seems that my blog is just so gosh-darned popular that I must continue it. I got a whole one request to continue writing. Especially entries about my own life, not just links.<br /><br />Before I begin, I must note that I am no longer with the girlfriend that I said that I was going out with a few months ago. This is because she has died.<br /><br />Not really, but I like to see people's reactions when I say that. Anyway, it's relevant to the story that I will tell.<br /><br />It is a tale of one of the most awesome nights that I have had since I have been at Elon. And I will tell them to you...later. Because I'm really tired right now. Maybe this weekend or something.<br /><br />In the meantime, please enjoy this<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zT60SkXN1UY"> flying lawnmower</a>. I'm sure that only the cave-dwelling people have not seen it yet, which probably includes my ex-girlfriend. I know this because it is the only logical reason why someone could be as ridiculously sheltered as her.Adamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12107116021516156157noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35762200.post-31022393779726449982007-07-18T22:49:00.000-04:002007-07-19T00:28:34.509-04:00Oh, those poor people...It just occurred to me that there are some poor, deprived people in this world, and that I should do something to help them. And that should also make this entry extremely easy to follow, because most of these people are the types not very familiar with the internet, such as citizens of Third World nations, feral children, old people, AOL users, and the mentally handicapped (such as the writers of Crank Yankers).<br /><br />Onto my public services...<br /><br />There is surely someone left who hasn't seen <a href="http://www.guelphforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=358">this image</a> and while we're at it, a lot of related ones (remember to scroll down).<br /><br />And what about that poor person who has never read the epic actual college-level essay "<a href="http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/image/essay/1">Planes, Trains, and Plantains: The story of Oedipus</a>." Remember to click "next" at the bottom of each page. That's a good feral child.<br /><br />And what about making some horrifying historical moments into scenes of musical greatness?<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihev6JIp7gLcCtIWKf0N2Bc-I7wkCqGXpzugBrfhRXaU5dknlXKqaqO0YxMxw81MUXvMrG_QUMju2OskQYPqM7IR0rBVvF0W95Kd6VxOdKKJBa191uHYM5ioA0rX2Q5koPMesYow/s1600-h/oswald+band.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihev6JIp7gLcCtIWKf0N2Bc-I7wkCqGXpzugBrfhRXaU5dknlXKqaqO0YxMxw81MUXvMrG_QUMju2OskQYPqM7IR0rBVvF0W95Kd6VxOdKKJBa191uHYM5ioA0rX2Q5koPMesYow/s400/oswald+band.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5088741550344446386" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAEFHvUrSAslgsA1hjHaUthzUs5uzmdjXc2kyLH1hKknBxnNktBMfzU6Ad9YSDHs47lo_xs3tnPHFcfd_LY5iI90ZE5AF5t0Qf07jjBY0HqDs5QBW-znSwt-xiVb1TOMipXNLa-g/s1600-h/hitler_banjo.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAEFHvUrSAslgsA1hjHaUthzUs5uzmdjXc2kyLH1hKknBxnNktBMfzU6Ad9YSDHs47lo_xs3tnPHFcfd_LY5iI90ZE5AF5t0Qf07jjBY0HqDs5QBW-znSwt-xiVb1TOMipXNLa-g/s400/hitler_banjo.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5088742168819737026" border="0" /></a><br />Click <a href="http://img216.imageshack.us/my.php?image=hitlerbanjorm3.gif">here</a> for a way better animated version of the previous image.<br /><br />And now, something especially for the old-timers: A <a href="http://lileks.com/institute/gallery/bbtrix/6.html">page</a> taken from an actual 1950s cookbook with special commentary. In fact, I'd recommend checking out that <a href="http://lileks.com/institute/gallery/bbtrix/index.html">entire article</a>. (Click the link, ma'am. No, with the mouse button. The left one. Do it twice. No, twice fast. No, I don't think you need to call Tech Support. Stop smacking the monitor.*<br /><br />*(When my mom taught a computer class filled with old people, several of them actually did this because they expected it to make some gears slip into place or something)<br /><br />And here's one especially for you AOL users:<br /><br /><a href="http://imageshack.us/"><img src="http://img225.imageshack.us/img225/3122/spywareey1.jpg" alt="Image Hosted by ImageShack.us" border="0" /></a><br /><br />See that tiny little bit in the bottom-right corner? That's called the "Internet" I hope that you all will be able to experience it one day. But you'll have to switch away from AOL in order to do that.<br /><br />Finally, the thing that you all need to experience the most is YouTube's most watched <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg">video</a> of all time.<br /><br />Well, I've improved on the minds of the Internet-deficient enough for one night. Now I think I'll go and fight global warming by increasing the population of pirates.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5YVPP9ALzs2ZuROnQbk-MnxA1hyphenhyphenp0qrb1GsQkkdWqvpqi4wyRIOcfTdjY9cBMJsCrbgmxiZOEhfjk3mJVrD2qi45VXdJd191gIibcb2_yj6KFrQiANSlbs4kzer5_UGv-AA_1hg/s1600-h/piratesarecool.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5YVPP9ALzs2ZuROnQbk-MnxA1hyphenhyphenp0qrb1GsQkkdWqvpqi4wyRIOcfTdjY9cBMJsCrbgmxiZOEhfjk3mJVrD2qi45VXdJd191gIibcb2_yj6KFrQiANSlbs4kzer5_UGv-AA_1hg/s400/piratesarecool.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5088757265629782546" border="0" /></a>Adamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12107116021516156157noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35762200.post-19420163053208881572007-06-05T11:27:00.001-04:002007-06-05T13:06:22.086-04:00Things I Learned at School this Year, Part 1Well, a while back, I promised to write some original material. And I didn't do it. And then I went more than a month without posting anything. This past year was a big one for me. I had lots of trials and tribulations, victories and defeats, plenty of oh-my-God-why-didn't-I-start-on-this-earlier moments, and plenty of fun. Here is a list of a few of the things that I learned, in and outside of class. Some of them I already knew and were just reinforced, some of them were totally new, and some of them still make no sense to me at all.<br /><br /><ul><li>Being at Elon long before the school year starts, and more importantly, before my friends arrive, is boring as hell.</li><li>The moment where the school year begins is not when class begins, but when you get to just casually hang out with your friends again.</li><li>Jeez, people are stupid. Especially those that run the cable company.</li><li>"Hell House" is the perfect nickname for a house, because you can make jokes like "You're coming to visit me? Then I'll SEE YOU IN HELL!"<br /></li><li>What ever you do, DO NOT take a class with Professor Rudy Zarzar. Unless, of course, you are a workaholic with no need for sleep and a fascination with Pluralism.</li><li>I am really not that great of a competitive swimmer.</li><li>Joining a swim team for social reasons is not really that great of an idea if you have glasses, because you won't be able to see anyone most of the time. "Oh hi, faint blur! Remember that time we, uh, swam? Yeah, that was great."<br /></li><li>Besides, their parties suck.</li><li>When you take a course because you expect it to be easy, you'd better be damn sure that it's easy, or else you'll have all hard classes and your head will explode from overwork.<br /></li><li>Living by yourself (especially in a fairly isolated house) makes you CRAZY from thinking too much.<br /></li><li>I work, and just generally function better when I've had enough to eat.</li><li>Not eating enough, not getting enough sleep, and overthinking at the same time is a very bad combination. You end up with many very long, complex, and probably wrong thought, and not remembering how you got there.<br /></li></ul>Hey, I think I'll go have lunch.<br /><br /><ul><li>You know everything they say about how a TV show/book/movie/etc starts out with a really great script and gets edited until its not nearly as great? Yeah, that's totally true.</li><li>Making videos is still as much fun to me as it was in high school.</li><li>New Yorkers are actually pretty nice. Or at least they are if you have a hot girl with you.</li><li>A parking ticket in New York City costs about $105 more than one in Elon. But if you don't plan on ever parking that car there again, they will probably never find out.<br /></li><li>Turning 21 is AWESOME.</li><li>New car smell actually lasts for a very long time.<br /></li><li>It takes some time to get used to being able to buy alcohol legally.</li><li>When it comes to friends, it is quality and not quantity. Though quantity is nice as well.</li><li>I don't need to drink alcohol in order to have a good time. But it sure helps.</li><li>Most people are at their cruelest when they don't even realize it.</li><li>Damn, people are stupid.<br /></li><li>A meltdown is the perfect time to recast yourself.</li><li>God is the only one who is 100% reliable. He even tolerates your half-committedness.<br /></li><li>When you feel overwhelmed by a ton of work or the problems in your life, put on some motivating music. I recommend Van Halen's "Right Now," or if you're feeling cheesy, "Push it to the Limit" from the Scarface Soundtrack. If nothing else, it will give you a reason to procrastinate for a few more minutes.</li><li>Don't wear a really scary costume to a party where people will be getting very drunk, especially if they are people that you don't know. You may cause them to flee in terror.</li><li>The play "Carousel" is freaking awful. Unless you don't mind the entire story stopping for a half hour in order to do a dance routine about going on a picnic.</li><li>If you start to lose a solid grasp of who you are, go look where you last left it (Where you were when you were most recently certain about it). Home, for example.</li><li>The first newspaper published in America was basically a trashy tabloid that only had one printing.</li><li>Go do some volunteer work. You'll help others, make yourself feel good, and some hot girls make catch you doing it and think highly of you.</li><li>It is, in fact, possible to pull off a surprise birthday party.</li><li>What doesn't kill you really does only make you stronger. I know it may sound corny to some, but the Bible says this several times, and it is incredibly true.</li><li>Never underestimate the poser of a well-placed goatee.</li><li>When a blog entry is getting too long, split it into two parts.</li></ul>Keep a lookout for part 2 of this, where I talk about the second half of the year, which included my trip to Europe and was generally more awesome than the first one.Adamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12107116021516156157noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35762200.post-71863927805165455172007-04-30T21:17:00.000-04:002007-04-30T21:23:18.623-04:00Everyone! Come see how famous I am!<a href="http://imageshack.us/"><img src="http://img250.imageshack.us/img250/3066/hahashowpu0.jpg" alt="Image Hosted by ImageShack.us" border="0" /></a><br /><br />...and a free whiteboard that features everyone's favorite laughing quaker guy image. <a href="http://tricornerhumor.blogspot.com/2007/04/final-contest-queries.html">Take a look for yourself.</a><br /><br />And yes, that is indeed an entire blog dedicated to the HAHA guy. Isn't it wonderful?Adamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12107116021516156157noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35762200.post-59703939892246156042007-04-20T18:04:00.000-04:002007-04-20T18:06:25.848-04:00Oh, those wacky Googiligans...Apparently, they know the quickest way to drive from <a href="http://thenewshole.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2007/04/19/153379.aspx">New York to London</a>.<br /><br />/I've got some plans for some original writings in the fairly distant future.Adamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12107116021516156157noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35762200.post-28591200808267628582007-03-27T16:21:00.000-04:002007-03-27T16:22:32.893-04:00An offical proclimationToday I have decreed that what the world needs is more <a href="http://files.kavefish.com/pictures/collections/funny_cat_pictures/_index-list.html">well-captioned pictures of cats</a>.Adamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12107116021516156157noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35762200.post-10360928126870792312007-03-22T22:05:00.000-04:002007-03-22T22:08:12.596-04:00Ooh, pretty!In order to keep this blog from sliding into the sole genre of humor (if you can call it that), I think it's time I linked to <a href="http://thefairest.info/top.html">a bunch of pretty images.</a><br /><br />Sorry, I'm afraid none of these images contain boobs, which may have made them really be the prettiest.Adamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12107116021516156157noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35762200.post-65137744350908657262007-03-15T20:24:00.000-04:002007-03-15T20:25:45.309-04:00A History LessonDon't say you never learned anything useful from this blog, because now you know <a href="http://www.comedy.com/google/">what the internet looked like in 1988</a>.<br /><br />Go on, try searching for something!Adamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12107116021516156157noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35762200.post-36645104194771965522007-03-08T22:09:00.001-05:002007-03-08T22:09:49.812-05:00What the world needs "right now"...<div xmlns='http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml'><p><object height='350' width='425'><param value='http://youtube.com/v/nJsaBMSXRqE' name='movie'></param><embed height='350' width='425' type='application/x-shockwave-flash' src='http://youtube.com/v/nJsaBMSXRqE'></embed></object></p><p>...is Star Wars set to Van Halen. Even if it isn't quite as great as it sounds, and is way too upbeat of a song for watching the Jedi get killed and the Empire rising.</p></div>Adamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12107116021516156157noreply@blogger.com0