Saturday, September 15, 2007

So anyway...

As promised, I now bring you the story of that epic party that I went to last weekend. A story so compelling, so riveting, so intoxicated intoxicating, that it can only be told in...

SCREENPLAY FORMAT!

That's the format that they write movie scripts in, for those of you who may not know. I actually took a whole class on screenwriting. Everything that follows is absolutely true, although I have cut out the boring parts. Names have been changed to protect the intoxicated. I have also put in a few notes (in parentheses) to show you a few details about screenwriting, and how details are put in subtly. If it looks long, don't worry. The spacing in screenplay format makes it look way longer than it actually is.


INT. FRIENDS' LIVING ROOM- NIGHT

The room is dark and messy. College-age friends KEN and ADAM sit around a TV that is playing the credits from Saturday Night Live. (See, the fact that SNL is ending tells us that it is around midnight!) TIM and his GIRLFRIEND relax in each others' arms in a nearby couch, also staring at the TV. Ken gets up and stretches.

KEN
Well, guys, I'm off to bed.

EVERYONE ELSE
Goodnight.

The three remaining students sit together in awkward silence for a moment.

TIM
I think we're going to bed soon too, Adam.

ADAM
Oh, OK. Good thing I live right below you guys.

He gets up and leaves.

(It gets better, I swear!)

INT. ADAM'S ROOM- NIGHT

Adam is sitting at his computer, not writing in his blog. The room is somewhat clean. (You know what that tells us? That's right, it means that I've only been living here a short while!) Suddenly, a NOISE can be heard, getting louder every second. In a few moments, it sounds exactly like someone jumping on a mattress. He looks up at the ceiling and realizes where the noise is coming from and what it is. He shudders and walks outside.

EXT. BREEZEWAY- NIGHT

Adam walks down the deserted part of the breezeway. We can now see that he is in a recently built apartment complex that still looks like it has had a giant keg of beer spilled on it. Loud MUSIC can be heard. a few PARTY GIRLS, including, JENNIFER, are dressed in costumes and in various states of drunkenness hang outside a busy apartment near the steps.

JENNIFER
Hey, are you a neighbor?

ADAM
Yeah. Nice party.

JENNIFER
This is the girls' rugby place. Come in and have a drink! We're having a pirates and ninjas party!

Adam looks around and sees that this is exactly what everyone is dressed as.

ADAM
I'll be right back...

INT. PARTY APARTMENT- NIGHT

Adam walks in wearing a pirate-themed t-shirt. The room is loud and filled with mostly good-looking women, all of whom seemed to be talking or dancing very closely and quickly in the living room. Team pictures and random multicolored cut-outs hang on the walls. Adam gets a mysterious lemonade-based drink out of a Gatorade cooler and tries it. He recoils at its strength. Realizing that he knows no one else in this party, he heads back outside. (In a real script, I would never be allowed to directly show a character's thoughts that way. But dammit, that doesn't mater here.)

EXT. BREEZEWAY- NIGHT

Adam steps back outside. The same group of girls is still there. Some are smoking, some are drunk dialing, and some are just talking. Jennifer spots him. (It starts getting better around here)

JENNIFER
You're wearing a pirate shirt! You changed just for our party!

ADAM
That's right!

JENNIFER
You are awesome!

ADAM
That's also right.

JENNIFER
Let me introduce you to everyone. This is Sara, Liz, and Karen.

SARA
Hey!

LIZ
Hey.

KAREN
Do you have any cigarettes?

ADAM
(casually)
No, not after my aunt died a horrible death of lung cancer, but thanks for asking.

KAREN looks shocked for a moment, then regroups and gives a very drunk twitch. She takes a step toward him and points toward his drink.

KAREN
But can I have some of you M-80?

ADAM
Sure.

She gets even closer to him and tips a little into her mouth. They chat a little, and pretty soon she is drunkenly pecking him on the cheek at random. Adam gives a devilish grin. Karen bites him in the chest.

ADAM
AAAGH!

Karen gives him a look that she is drunk enough to think is sexy.

ADAM
You just bit me in the man-boob!

She giggles. A few of the other girls look on, concerned.

KAREN
So, where do you live?

ADAM
Uh, down that way.

She grabs him and takes off in that direction. Liz turns toward them and holds up a cell phone.

LIZ
Karen! Tyler just called for you!

Karen stops and turns around, elated.

KAREN
He did?

LIZ
Yes, and he even said...

She leans in and whispers in her ear. Karen gets more excited. Adam walks back toward the party, a little dejected. BOB is sitting on the landing of the stairs, just above the party with a few OTHER GIRLS. Adam steps up and joins them.

GUY
Dude, those girls just saved your ass.

ADAM
They did?

OTHER GIRL #1
Yeah, she kinda gets around.

GUY
She offered to give me head for just two cigarettes!

OTHER GIRL #2
Wow, that's like, way less than most hookers.

SARA
(Overheard from the lower breezeway)
Oh come on, half the team is straight!

INT. PARTY APARTMENT- NIGHT

Adam is sitting on a spot in the couch which, before sitting in, he felt somehow destined to occupy. He watches as several girls grind excitedly on the dance floor. Suddenly, two girls fall down on top of each other next to him, laughing. MARY, a small blond girl walks up to him, but he doesn't notice.

ADAM
(to himself)
You know, normally I'd have to pay to see something like this.

MARY
What?

ADAM
Nothing. What's your name?

They flirt and chat for a while. She offers him a refill and brings back both of their cups filled with M-80.

EXT. BREEZEWAY- NIGHT

Adam and Mary are talking and laughing with a group of partygoers, which includes Bob. A PARTY GIRL is leaning against the apartment, talking on her cell phone. She sees PARTY GIRL #2 and hangs up to hug her passionately.

ADAM
And then she bit me on the chest!

The two Party Girls have started making out. Everyone turns toward them.

ADAM and BOB
Niiiiiice.

SARA
Ugh!

EXT. BREEZEWAY LANDING- NIGHT

Adam and Mary are hanging out in separate small groups, drinking. Bob is also around. Karen is sitting on the top of the wooden steps, talking on her cell phone. Adam's cell phone RINGS.

ADAM
Hello? Hey Fred. I'm at the other end of the breezeway, and it's awesome.

BOB
(Looking down at the lower breezeway)
The girls are still at it!

ADAM
You know, sometimes I wonder if I went to the right college, but this has erased any doubt from my mind that I made the right choice.

KAREN
My boyfriend says that sometimes.

ADAM
You have a boyfriend?

KAREN
Yeah, but...

She waves her hand dismissively. Adam turns away and rolls his eyes. HOLLY walks up to Adam, with Mary close behind, quickly whispering in her ear.

HOLLY
Hey, I'm Holly. You must be pretty awesome to have changed for our party.

ADAM
I'm Adam, and you would be correct in that assumption.

HOLLY
Anyway, my friend Mary said that she thinks you-

Mary clamps her hand over Holly's mouth, embarrassed and giggling. Adam pulls it away.

HOLLY
...are really cute and that she-

Mary clamps her hand over her mouth again, but gives up and walks off embarrassed.

HOLLY
...would like to kiss you

ADAM
Oh really?

RANDOM GIRL #57
What is this, fifth grade?

HOLLY
Yeah, Mary told me that, but said not to tell you. But you seemed pretty awesome, so I thought I should. I'm a lesbian myself, but she's not.

BOB
They're STILL AT IT!

Adam's roommate FRED arrives and sees the girls kissing. There are now three of them.

FRED
Niiiiice.


INT. PARTY APARTMENT- NIGHT

The party has calmed down a little, but a few girls are still dancing, including Karen. Mary is sitting down on the couch. Adam comes in and sits next to her.

ADAM
So, I was talking to your friend outside. Is it true what she said?

MARY
I...don't know.

Karen suddenly jumps into Adam's lap and tries to kiss him sloppily. Mary turns her head away and laughs. Another girl takes a picture of him looking very surprised, mostly for embarrassing Karen with later. Karen jumps to her feet and pulls Adam up with him. They dance for a second. Then she awkwardly tries to put a leg on him, trying to be sexy but almost kneeing him in the balls.

KAREN
ARE WE GONNA FUCK OR NOT!?

ADAM
(briefly glancing back toward Mary)
No! You're too drunk.

Karen tries to shove him but almost knocks herself over instead. Mary chuckles again.

INT. PARTY APARTMENT- NIGHT

The couch is now folded out into a bed, with Adam sitting on the end with his arm around Mary, who is next to him. They are talking excitedly. A few girls lie down on the bed behind them. Adam's phone RINGS.

ADAM
(on the phone)
Hello? Um, check in that box above my bed. You can have them, it's not like I've been using them.

MARY
What was that?

ADAM
Um, I think my roommate may be hooking up with Karen.

Two of the girls of the bed behind them jump on one another, but keep their clothes on.

MARY
Uh, I think we should go outside.

ADAM
Are you sure?

MARY
YES!
_____________________________________________

So I learned a very important lesson here today. NEVER BLOG IN SCREENPLAY FORMAT, IT TAKES WAY TOO LONG! Plus you have to put lots of random WORDS in capital letters and there's
LOTS OF
Unnecessary formatting.

Anyway, from this point, it gets much easier to just tell what happens as an epilogue.

"Fred" really did hook up with "Karen." He deeply regretted it the next morning.

"Mary" and I enjoyed the rest of the party together, before she got too drunk to stand and was carried to the car by her teammates. M-80 is a hell of a drink.

She left a shoe outside the apartment building, which I picked up later. I thought this was oddly Cinderella-esque. But then I brought it to her apartment the next day, and it turned out that she had actually borrowed it from her roommate.

It also turned out that she is the same kind of drunk that I am, and managed to remember everything. I have since gotten her number and am currently sweating out that two-or three-day waiting period that most dating experts (older friends) recommend before calling.

I have also noticed a mysterious yellow spot on my chest, around the same spot where that girl bit me. I'm slightly wondering if "Fred" has a big yellow patch...well, you know where. But I'm afraid to ask.

1 comment:

Vicus Scurra said...

What a lovely little story. Personally, I would have screwed anyone I could, even Fred, but I am from a different era. "No, you're too drunk". I laughed. I lolled. I roffled. And well done on the spell checking. Although you did say "mater" when you meant "matter". Perhaps that was a Freudian slip. Does anyone know what that is? Adam? Yes, that's right it's where you say one thing but mean your mother.