God Bless Us, Everyone!

Hey kids. It's Christmas time again. Amongst all the hustle and bustle of wrapping presents, mailing cards, baking things, and generally hating everyone in the parking lot of your local mall/Wal-Mart/corner gas station (depending on the size of the town where you live), let's not forget the most important part of the season:

The 15th anniversary of the student film debut of what would eventually become South Park!



I have to say, seeing how bad the work of the now-legendary Matt Stone and Trey Parker looked at my age makes me feel good about my own videos. It's good to know that everyone starts out looking like crap, with some halfway decent writing thrown in.

I have also heard that this time of year also something about that Jesus fellow. He must be really popular, the way that those politicians are always talking him. It's like they're trying to mooch off of his popularity or something.

Somehow, I feel I should end this post with an appropriate picture. Ah yes, here's one of a banner announcing Elon's big lighting ceremony that they put up every year:

Learnding!

Hey, kids! It's that time of year again where I learn many amazing facts, thanks to classes! That's right, it's finals time, where I screw around on the Internet instead of studying!

Thanks to my endless web browsing, in the last couple of weeks I've learned/been reminded of gems such as:

• Pac-man technically ends at level 256, due to a glitch in the game.

• Australia's Naughtiest Home Videos was actually canceled in the middle of its pilot episode when the network owner called in and told them to "get that shit off the air.
• "In most states, however, the last clip reported seen on the show before it got pulled was of a child reaching for a kangaroo's genitals."
  

• There was once a sitcom called Heil Honey I'm Home! It's exactly what you think it's about.

• From several scenes filmed entirely in Wookie-speak to segments that were just copied directly from the original movie and poorly re-dubbed, the Star Wars Holiday Special is possibly the worst moment in TV history.
• Carrie Fisher (Princess Leia) was apparently so coked out during the filming of the Star Wars Holiday Special that she doesn't actually remember doing it.

• People don't really think before naming their companies.

• Someone, somewhere, decided that what the world really needs is a stun gun disguised as a tampon.

• The guy behind such video game legends as Donkey Kong and the entire Mario and Zelda series is so crazy that there is only one guy who can understand what he says.
  

• Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is a complete and utter asshole (Especially see paragraph 8). He is also a hypocrite.

• Fortunately, there is a way to get rid of that damned Beacon program while still being able to use Facebook.

• Steven Wright is funny as hell.
  

Argh, it seems that my endless note-taking has even seeped into my blog-writing. Back to work, I suppose.

Since we're already on that political tangent...

So apparently Hillary Clinton is trying to discredit Obama's claim that he hasn't been plotting a run for office for decades, by bringing up essays that he wrote in third grade and kindergarten. No, really (scroll down to the bottom). I guess next she plans on claiming that he once accused someone of being a "doody head" and that he "didn't always share his crayons."

Of course, all of this doesn't really matter. We all know that in the end, it only matters who Chuck Norris picks for President.

The Internet: Making political satire obsolete since 1997.

Oh, and in keeping along with the same tangent from last time...

Let's Do Something Vaguely Political!

So I went to a school debate last night between the College Republicans and the College Democrats, and I happened to notice that many students were taking notes, so I took a few notes of my own:


Debate Score:
Defined as who "won" each debate. I'll admit that I completely lost track of this one, and that the Democrats should be way farther ahead.

Republicans: 6 Democrats: 12


Bullshit Tally:

Republicans: 12 Democrats: 10


Witty Comments:

Republicans: 2 Democrats: 4


Unabashed Grandstanding:

Republicans: 6 Democrats: 2


Self-Contradicting Statements:

Republicans: 2 Democrats: 1


Abuse of Emotional Words:

Republicans: 4 Democrats: 6


General Stupidity

Republicans: 2 Democrats: 4 Moderators: 3

Sorry moderators, the United States is not the richest nation in the world. Not even in the top 5, when you are looking at it per capita, which is what you need to use when talking about a potential future universal healthcare system.

LogicFallacies:

Republicans: 2 Democrats: 4 Audience Members Asking Questions: 1

Seriously lady, how can you possibly think that we're dumb enough to think that it's Bush's fault that poachers in South America are causing certain animals to become nearly extinct?


Not Knowing Their Own Party's Position

Republicans: 3 Democrats: 0


Completely Losing the Audience:

Republicans: 2 Democrats: 2

Defined as being so damn boring or confusing that everyone quit paying attention.


Not Shutting the Hell Up

Republicans: 3 Democrats: 3 The Exact Same Audience Member: 1

There's one of these people at everything that allows the audience to ask questions. In Florida, they have their own special way of dealing with them.


Leaving Early

Republicans: 0 Democrats: 0 Students: 25

Also, I'm proud to announce that I was instrumental in helping create the following legendary image on a Fark thread today regarding the new bin Laden tape. If you don't get it, then you just haven't spent enough time on the Internet:

BOOO!

A quick ghost story for you-

I bought an old trunk at an antique store years ago. I put it down in the basement, intending to clean it up and restore it. One night I went down there to start work on it. I turned on the light, and noticed this weird sort of black haze hanging over the trunk. At first, I though the furnace was acting up, but as I gazed at it, I noticed that the haze seemed to collect itself into the figure of a person. All the hair stood up on the back of my neck, but I didn't really feel threatened.

"Are you the owner of this trunk?" I asked, feeling foolish. The figure sort of nodded at me.

"Nobody is going to believe this, can I take a picture of you?" I said. The figure nodded again. I backed up toward my workbench and grabbed the digital camera, keeping the figure in sight all the while. I turned it on, framed the picture, and took a photo. But for some reason the flash wouldn't go off-I think the batteries were low. I kept trying, but eventually the figure just sort of faded away, and now I don't have any proof.

The moral of this story is...

...The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.

That one was so scary that it must have awakened a bunch of ghosts! I can here the booing from here.

Well, if you want something truly funny about Halloween, you can always watch Lewis Black's bit about candy corn.

And if you want something truly creepy, read a few of the Snopes.com horror stories. Complete with colored bullets denoting their truthfullness and 1998ish MIDI music goodness.

Gem Mining

Lately, my life has been consumed by a lengthy, five-part series of essays on the media in China. But the up side of that is that it led to me discovering this little gem. As well as this one. And this one, although its creators would probably be executed if it were really an aired in China.

Oh, and on a totally unrelated note, watch the current funniest thing on the Internet. And the other, slightly less funny version.

Let's Get Limericky!

I like that headline. It sounds little dirty. No wait, it just reminds me of a lime ricky, which I assume is a drink or something.

Anyway, I have always been a fan of limericks, which are clearly the highest form of poetry. I am such a big fan that I even know all about the legendary Burma Shave signs that my parents have mentioned, despite my not being born yet when they removed them all in '63 (that would be 1763). These signs would be a limerick-advertisement for Burma Shave that was told one line at a time, with each line on a separate sign a few feet from the next. They would always end with a sign reading "Burma Shave." For example:

Dinah doesn't
Treat him right
But if he'd shave
Dyna-mite!
Burma-Shave

Listen birds
These signs cost money
You can rest awhile
But don't get funny
Burma Shave

And of course, this all ties directly into my next topic, the situation in Myanmar, also known as Burma. If you were too damn lazy to click that link, Burma is currently engulfed in pro-democracy protests, which are now being violently cracked down upon by the military junta government there.

Now that I'm done explaining the joke that I'm about to tell to the point that it can't possibly be funny...

This, of course, ties directly into the next part of my post: Fark.com. On that site, users submit their own witty headlines for news stories. But out of the thousands that are submitted every day, only about 100 make it to the main page. A few weeks ago, when the latest demonstrations in Burma were just beginning, this little gem made it to the front page regarding Laura Bush urging the UN to help them:

Dubya's wife
to Ban Ki-moon
opens her mouth
and lowers the boom
Burma Save

This was followed up a couple of weeks later, when the government crackdown began, with:

Deadline passes
Police respond
With clubs and gasses
Burma Monks

Next came a bunch of stories with inferior headlines, starting with when Bush called for tougher sanctions on Burma. But the comments still had some limerick goodness:

More sanctions do
The Burmese fear;
Bush even made
The Democrats cheer.

We rule this land
With an iron fist.
You want to protest?
Name go on list.

And my personal favorite:

The monks are revolting
The students are, too
The government tells the troops
"You know what to do"
Burma Rave

And yesterday, I constructed my own Burma Shave verse and linked it to the story about the US freezing all of the junta's assets in the country:

US to Myanmar: "After reviewing
all the facets
we've decded
to kick your assets."
Burma caves?

And it was GREENLIT to the main page, spelling mistake and all. A few hours later, one of the site moderators fixed it to "decided." And everyone loved it. And Farkers usually hate everything.

Anyway, here's a four-page collection of the some of the original Burma-Shave limericks. And here is an awesome true story about a guy who sent in 900 empty Burma Shave jars and won a free trip to Mars (sorta).

Well, I've spent enough time blogging today. But if anyone asks, I'm going to tell them that I've been writing a high-brow entry on poetry and geopolitics.

Avast, Me hearties!

Yarr! It be International Talk Like a Pirate Day!

All ye landlubbers best be learnin' ye the basics of the holiday.

Then, ye should be teachen yeself the simpilest of pirate lingo. Ye shall be a salty sea dog in no time!

Perhaps now a little pirate folk music, punk rock, or even scurvy hip-hop?

Finally, settle down on ye dungbe with a jug o' rum and enjoy this bonnie fleet o' pirate links.

Aye, I best be settin' sail for classes now...

So anyway...

As promised, I now bring you the story of that epic party that I went to last weekend. A story so compelling, so riveting, so intoxicated intoxicating, that it can only be told in...

SCREENPLAY FORMAT!

That's the format that they write movie scripts in, for those of you who may not know. I actually took a whole class on screenwriting. Everything that follows is absolutely true, although I have cut out the boring parts. Names have been changed to protect the intoxicated. I have also put in a few notes (in parentheses) to show you a few details about screenwriting, and how details are put in subtly. If it looks long, don't worry. The spacing in screenplay format makes it look way longer than it actually is.


INT. FRIENDS' LIVING ROOM- NIGHT

The room is dark and messy. College-age friends KEN and ADAM sit around a TV that is playing the credits from Saturday Night Live. (See, the fact that SNL is ending tells us that it is around midnight!) TIM and his GIRLFRIEND relax in each others' arms in a nearby couch, also staring at the TV. Ken gets up and stretches.

KEN
Well, guys, I'm off to bed.

EVERYONE ELSE
Goodnight.

The three remaining students sit together in awkward silence for a moment.

TIM
I think we're going to bed soon too, Adam.

ADAM
Oh, OK. Good thing I live right below you guys.

He gets up and leaves.

(It gets better, I swear!)

INT. ADAM'S ROOM- NIGHT

Adam is sitting at his computer, not writing in his blog. The room is somewhat clean. (You know what that tells us? That's right, it means that I've only been living here a short while!) Suddenly, a NOISE can be heard, getting louder every second. In a few moments, it sounds exactly like someone jumping on a mattress. He looks up at the ceiling and realizes where the noise is coming from and what it is. He shudders and walks outside.

EXT. BREEZEWAY- NIGHT

Adam walks down the deserted part of the breezeway. We can now see that he is in a recently built apartment complex that still looks like it has had a giant keg of beer spilled on it. Loud MUSIC can be heard. a few PARTY GIRLS, including, JENNIFER, are dressed in costumes and in various states of drunkenness hang outside a busy apartment near the steps.

JENNIFER
Hey, are you a neighbor?

ADAM
Yeah. Nice party.

JENNIFER
This is the girls' rugby place. Come in and have a drink! We're having a pirates and ninjas party!

Adam looks around and sees that this is exactly what everyone is dressed as.

ADAM
I'll be right back...

INT. PARTY APARTMENT- NIGHT

Adam walks in wearing a pirate-themed t-shirt. The room is loud and filled with mostly good-looking women, all of whom seemed to be talking or dancing very closely and quickly in the living room. Team pictures and random multicolored cut-outs hang on the walls. Adam gets a mysterious lemonade-based drink out of a Gatorade cooler and tries it. He recoils at its strength. Realizing that he knows no one else in this party, he heads back outside. (In a real script, I would never be allowed to directly show a character's thoughts that way. But dammit, that doesn't mater here.)

EXT. BREEZEWAY- NIGHT

Adam steps back outside. The same group of girls is still there. Some are smoking, some are drunk dialing, and some are just talking. Jennifer spots him. (It starts getting better around here)

JENNIFER
You're wearing a pirate shirt! You changed just for our party!

ADAM
That's right!

JENNIFER
You are awesome!

ADAM
That's also right.

JENNIFER
Let me introduce you to everyone. This is Sara, Liz, and Karen.

SARA
Hey!

LIZ
Hey.

KAREN
Do you have any cigarettes?

ADAM
(casually)
No, not after my aunt died a horrible death of lung cancer, but thanks for asking.

KAREN looks shocked for a moment, then regroups and gives a very drunk twitch. She takes a step toward him and points toward his drink.

KAREN
But can I have some of you M-80?

ADAM
Sure.

She gets even closer to him and tips a little into her mouth. They chat a little, and pretty soon she is drunkenly pecking him on the cheek at random. Adam gives a devilish grin. Karen bites him in the chest.

ADAM
AAAGH!

Karen gives him a look that she is drunk enough to think is sexy.

ADAM
You just bit me in the man-boob!

She giggles. A few of the other girls look on, concerned.

KAREN
So, where do you live?

ADAM
Uh, down that way.

She grabs him and takes off in that direction. Liz turns toward them and holds up a cell phone.

LIZ
Karen! Tyler just called for you!

Karen stops and turns around, elated.

KAREN
He did?

LIZ
Yes, and he even said...

She leans in and whispers in her ear. Karen gets more excited. Adam walks back toward the party, a little dejected. BOB is sitting on the landing of the stairs, just above the party with a few OTHER GIRLS. Adam steps up and joins them.

GUY
Dude, those girls just saved your ass.

ADAM
They did?

OTHER GIRL #1
Yeah, she kinda gets around.

GUY
She offered to give me head for just two cigarettes!

OTHER GIRL #2
Wow, that's like, way less than most hookers.

SARA
(Overheard from the lower breezeway)
Oh come on, half the team is straight!

INT. PARTY APARTMENT- NIGHT

Adam is sitting on a spot in the couch which, before sitting in, he felt somehow destined to occupy. He watches as several girls grind excitedly on the dance floor. Suddenly, two girls fall down on top of each other next to him, laughing. MARY, a small blond girl walks up to him, but he doesn't notice.

ADAM
(to himself)
You know, normally I'd have to pay to see something like this.

MARY
What?

ADAM
Nothing. What's your name?

They flirt and chat for a while. She offers him a refill and brings back both of their cups filled with M-80.

EXT. BREEZEWAY- NIGHT

Adam and Mary are talking and laughing with a group of partygoers, which includes Bob. A PARTY GIRL is leaning against the apartment, talking on her cell phone. She sees PARTY GIRL #2 and hangs up to hug her passionately.

ADAM
And then she bit me on the chest!

The two Party Girls have started making out. Everyone turns toward them.

ADAM and BOB
Niiiiiice.

SARA
Ugh!

EXT. BREEZEWAY LANDING- NIGHT

Adam and Mary are hanging out in separate small groups, drinking. Bob is also around. Karen is sitting on the top of the wooden steps, talking on her cell phone. Adam's cell phone RINGS.

ADAM
Hello? Hey Fred. I'm at the other end of the breezeway, and it's awesome.

BOB
(Looking down at the lower breezeway)
The girls are still at it!

ADAM
You know, sometimes I wonder if I went to the right college, but this has erased any doubt from my mind that I made the right choice.

KAREN
My boyfriend says that sometimes.

ADAM
You have a boyfriend?

KAREN
Yeah, but...

She waves her hand dismissively. Adam turns away and rolls his eyes. HOLLY walks up to Adam, with Mary close behind, quickly whispering in her ear.

HOLLY
Hey, I'm Holly. You must be pretty awesome to have changed for our party.

ADAM
I'm Adam, and you would be correct in that assumption.

HOLLY
Anyway, my friend Mary said that she thinks you-

Mary clamps her hand over Holly's mouth, embarrassed and giggling. Adam pulls it away.

HOLLY
...are really cute and that she-

Mary clamps her hand over her mouth again, but gives up and walks off embarrassed.

HOLLY

...would like to kiss you

ADAM
Oh really?

RANDOM GIRL #57
What is this, fifth grade?

HOLLY
Yeah, Mary told me that, but said not to tell you. But you seemed pretty awesome, so I thought I should. I'm a lesbian myself, but she's not.

BOB

They're STILL AT IT!

Adam's roommate FRED arrives and sees the girls kissing. There are now three of them.

FRED
Niiiiice.

INT. PARTY APARTMENT- NIGHT

The party has calmed down a little, but a few girls are still dancing, including Karen. Mary is sitting down on the couch. Adam comes in and sits next to her.

ADAM
So, I was talking to your friend outside. Is it true what she said?

MARY
I...don't know.

Karen suddenly jumps into Adam's lap and tries to kiss him sloppily. Mary turns her head away and laughs. Another girl takes a picture of him looking very surprised, mostly for embarrassing Karen with later. Karen jumps to her feet and pulls Adam up with him. They dance for a second. Then she awkwardly tries to put a leg on him, trying to be sexy but almost kneeing him in the balls.

KAREN
ARE WE GONNA FUCK OR NOT!?

ADAM
(briefly glancing back toward Mary)
No! You're too drunk.

Karen tries to shove him but almost knocks herself over instead. Mary chuckles again.

INT. PARTY APARTMENT- NIGHT

The couch is now folded out into a bed, with Adam sitting on the end with his arm around Mary, who is next to him. They are talking excitedly. A few girls lie down on the bed behind them. Adam's phone RINGS.

ADAM
(on the phone)
Hello? Um, check in that box above my bed. You can have them, it's not like I've been using them.

MARY
What was that?

ADAM
Um, I think my roommate may be hooking up with Karen.

Two of the girls of the bed behind them jump on one another, but keep their clothes on.

MARY
Uh, I think we should go outside.

ADAM
Are you sure?

MARY
YES!

_____________________________________________

So I learned a very important lesson here today. NEVER BLOG IN SCREENPLAY FORMAT, IT TAKES WAY TOO LONG! Plus you have to put lots of random WORDS in capital letters and there's

LOTS OF
Unnecessary formatting.

Anyway, from this point, it gets much easier to just tell what happens as an epilogue.

"Fred" really did hook up with "Karen." He deeply regretted it the next morning.

"Mary" and I enjoyed the rest of the party together, before she got too drunk to stand and was carried to the car by her teammates. M-80 is a hell of a drink.

She left a shoe outside the apartment building, which I picked up later. I thought this was oddly Cinderella-esque. But then I brought it to her apartment the next day, and it turned out that she had actually borrowed it from her roommate.

It also turned out that she is the same kind of drunk that I am, and managed to remember everything. I have since gotten her number and am currently sweating out that two-or three-day waiting period that most dating experts (older friends) recommend before calling.

I have also noticed a mysterious yellow spot on my chest, around the same spot where that girl bit me. I'm slightly wondering if "Fred" has a big yellow patch...well, you know where. But I'm afraid to ask.

Epic Night.

Hey, it seems that my blog is just so gosh-darned popular that I must continue it. I got a whole one request to continue writing. Especially entries about my own life, not just links.

Before I begin, I must note that I am no longer with the girlfriend that I said that I was going out with a few months ago. This is because she has died.

Not really, but I like to see people's reactions when I say that. Anyway, it's relevant to the story that I will tell.

It is a tale of one of the most awesome nights that I have had since I have been at Elon. And I will tell them to you...later. Because I'm really tired right now. Maybe this weekend or something.

In the meantime, please enjoy this flying lawnmower. I'm sure that only the cave-dwelling people have not seen it yet, which probably includes my ex-girlfriend. I know this because it is the only logical reason why someone could be as ridiculously sheltered as her.

Oh, those poor people...

It just occurred to me that there are some poor, deprived people in this world, and that I should do something to help them. And that should also make this entry extremely easy to follow, because most of these people are the types not very familiar with the internet, such as citizens of Third World nations, feral children, old people, AOL users, and the mentally handicapped (such as the writers of Crank Yankers).

Onto my public services...

There is surely someone left who hasn't seen this image and while we're at it, a lot of related ones (remember to scroll down).

And what about that poor person who has never read the epic actual college-level essay "Planes, Trains, and Plantains: The story of Oedipus." Remember to click "next" at the bottom of each page. That's a good feral child.

And what about making some horrifying historical moments into scenes of musical greatness?



Click here for a way better animated version of the previous image.

And now, something especially for the old-timers: A page taken from an actual 1950s cookbook with special commentary. In fact, I'd recommend checking out that entire article. (Click the link, ma'am. No, with the mouse button. The left one. Do it twice. No, twice fast. No, I don't think you need to call Tech Support. Stop smacking the monitor.*

*(When my mom taught a computer class filled with old people, several of them actually did this because they expected it to make some gears slip into place or something)

And here's one especially for you AOL users:



See that tiny little bit in the bottom-right corner? That's called the "Internet" I hope that you all will be able to experience it one day. But you'll have to switch away from AOL in order to do that.

Finally, the thing that you all need to experience the most is YouTube's most watched video of all time.

Well, I've improved on the minds of the Internet-deficient enough for one night. Now I think I'll go and fight global warming by increasing the population of pirates.

Things I Learned at School this Year, Part 1

Well, a while back, I promised to write some original material. And I didn't do it. And then I went more than a month without posting anything. This past year was a big one for me. I had lots of trials and tribulations, victories and defeats, plenty of oh-my-God-why-didn't-I-start-on-this-earlier moments, and plenty of fun. Here is a list of a few of the things that I learned, in and outside of class. Some of them I already knew and were just reinforced, some of them were totally new, and some of them still make no sense to me at all.

• Being at Elon long before the school year starts, and more importantly, before my friends arrive, is boring as hell.
• The moment where the school year begins is not when class begins, but when you get to just casually hang out with your friends again.
• Jeez, people are stupid. Especially those that run the cable company.
• "Hell House" is the perfect nickname for a house, because you can make jokes like "You're coming to visit me? Then I'll SEE YOU IN HELL!"
  
• What ever you do, DO NOT take a class with Professor Rudy Zarzar. Unless, of course, you are a workaholic with no need for sleep and a fascination with Pluralism.
• I am really not that great of a competitive swimmer.
• Joining a swim team for social reasons is not really that great of an idea if you have glasses, because you won't be able to see anyone most of the time. "Oh hi, faint blur! Remember that time we, uh, swam? Yeah, that was great."
  
• Besides, their parties suck.
• When you take a course because you expect it to be easy, you'd better be damn sure that it's easy, or else you'll have all hard classes and your head will explode from overwork.
  
• Living by yourself (especially in a fairly isolated house) makes you CRAZY from thinking too much.
  
• I work, and just generally function better when I've had enough to eat.
• Not eating enough, not getting enough sleep, and overthinking at the same time is a very bad combination. You end up with many very long, complex, and probably wrong thought, and not remembering how you got there.
  

Hey, I think I'll go have lunch.

• You know everything they say about how a TV show/book/movie/etc starts out with a really great script and gets edited until its not nearly as great? Yeah, that's totally true.
• Making videos is still as much fun to me as it was in high school.
• New Yorkers are actually pretty nice. Or at least they are if you have a hot girl with you.
• A parking ticket in New York City costs about $105 more than one in Elon. But if you don't plan on ever parking that car there again, they will probably never find out.
  
• Turning 21 is AWESOME.
• New car smell actually lasts for a very long time.
  
• It takes some time to get used to being able to buy alcohol legally.
• When it comes to friends, it is quality and not quantity. Though quantity is nice as well.
• I don't need to drink alcohol in order to have a good time. But it sure helps.
• Most people are at their cruelest when they don't even realize it.
• Damn, people are stupid.
  
• A meltdown is the perfect time to recast yourself.
• God is the only one who is 100% reliable. He even tolerates your half-committedness.
  
• When you feel overwhelmed by a ton of work or the problems in your life, put on some motivating music. I recommend Van Halen's "Right Now," or if you're feeling cheesy, "Push it to the Limit" from the Scarface Soundtrack. If nothing else, it will give you a reason to procrastinate for a few more minutes.
• Don't wear a really scary costume to a party where people will be getting very drunk, especially if they are people that you don't know. You may cause them to flee in terror.
• The play "Carousel" is freaking awful. Unless you don't mind the entire story stopping for a half hour in order to do a dance routine about going on a picnic.
• If you start to lose a solid grasp of who you are, go look where you last left it (Where you were when you were most recently certain about it). Home, for example.
• The first newspaper published in America was basically a trashy tabloid that only had one printing.
• Go do some volunteer work. You'll help others, make yourself feel good, and some hot girls make catch you doing it and think highly of you.
• It is, in fact, possible to pull off a surprise birthday party.
• What doesn't kill you really does only make you stronger. I know it may sound corny to some, but the Bible says this several times, and it is incredibly true.
• Never underestimate the poser of a well-placed goatee.
• When a blog entry is getting too long, split it into two parts.

Keep a lookout for part 2 of this, where I talk about the second half of the year, which included my trip to Europe and was generally more awesome than the first one.

Everyone! Come see how famous I am!

...and a free whiteboard that features everyone's favorite laughing quaker guy image. Take a look for yourself.

And yes, that is indeed an entire blog dedicated to the HAHA guy. Isn't it wonderful?

Oh, those wacky Googiligans...

Apparently, they know the quickest way to drive from New York to London.

/I've got some plans for some original writings in the fairly distant future.

An offical proclimation

Today I have decreed that what the world needs is more well-captioned pictures of cats.

Ooh, pretty!

In order to keep this blog from sliding into the sole genre of humor (if you can call it that), I think it's time I linked to a bunch of pretty images.

Sorry, I'm afraid none of these images contain boobs, which may have made them really be the prettiest.

A History Lesson

Don't say you never learned anything useful from this blog, because now you know what the internet looked like in 1988.

Go on, try searching for something!

What the world needs "right now"...

...is Star Wars set to Van Halen. Even if it isn't quite as great as it sounds, and is way too upbeat of a song for watching the Jedi get killed and the Empire rising.

LOL, Satire.

This is almost too true to be funny.

Or maybe it's not just funny.

But at any rate, I'm going to post it, because it sticks it to the infotainment-type "news."

The perfect gift

This Christmas, Valentine's Day, get her the gift that she really wants.

I'd do this, but I'd have to find a refrigerator box somehow...

An apology

It seems that our good friend Vicus was disappointed that we didn't visit him while in England. I'd like to apologize, or rather, have Homer Simpson apologize to the entire country.

I'm BAAAAAACK!

So now that I'm back from my Most Excellent European Adventure, I can add four countries to the list of nations that I have visited.



create your own visited country map

You can't see it, but I've also been to the Republic of Kiribati in the Pacific.


I'll tell you what, kids. Traveling thousands of miles away, then coming back to the tiny little world that I live in really makes you appreciate the size of our universe.